Nobody here but us Pagans. I mean, chickens.

Nobody here but us Pagans. I mean, chickens.

One of the big chewy beefs a lot of NeoPagans have with Christianity involves assimilation: the idea that over the centuries, Christians undermined local folk and nature religions by incorporating their practices and turning their Gods into saints. “St. Bridget was originally Brigid, the Goddess of Fire and Poetry,” the NeoPagans will aver, possibly pounding on a table to accentuate their point. “Until the Church Christianized her.”

The thing is, assimilation isn’t really the Church’s MO–historically, it’s always leaned more towards smash-and-grab. So let’s take a quick gander at the Real and For True (insofar as I think it’s true) process by which Pagan deities wind up as Christian saints:

Christian: “Hey! Are you people worshipping false idols?”

Pagan: “Oh no, of course not. We’re… uh, we’re venerating… Catherine. Saint Catherine.”

Christian: “Are you sure? That statue looks a lot like Cerridwen, the Welsh Mother Goddess I’ve been reading about.”

Pagan: “No, it’s definitely St. Catherine. She’s, um, new. We checked.”

Christian: “Well, as long as she’s a saint…. carry on, then.”

Pagan: “Right. Blessed be.

Christian: “Excuse me?”

Pagan: “I said, Amen.”

Ain’t that sneaky? Those Medieval Pagans sure were a plucky bunch of unbaptized savages. Now, as to how Brigid became St. Bridget…

Priestess 1: “Uh oh. The Christians are back.”

Priestess 2: “You know, I’ll bet if we tell them we’re all nuns now, they won’t start stabbing us again.”

Priestess 1: “That’s just crazy enough to work.”

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