The 2010 Calendario Romano has been released. For those not in the know, it's a Vatican-approved calendar that features a different smolderingly handsome Catholic priest for each month of the year.
Because hapless crushes on straight, married dudes no longer cut it for me in the "You'll never tap that" department.
I really thought Red Delicious was going to clean up on this one. He may have no choice but to seek revenge.
Anyhoo...
Hidden Theme: Movies made into musicals.
1. Big
2. Billy Elliott
3. Legally Blonde
4. Reefer Madness (a.k.a. Tell Your Children)
5. The Wedding Singer
6. The Little Shop of Horrors
7. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
(Hidden theme solved by Wendy.)
1. "I like you, and I want to spend the night with you." "Do you mean sleep over?" "Well, yeah." "Okay. but I get to be on top." (Solved by Rebelleink.)
2. "Find a place on that bloody wall and focus on that spot. Then whip your head 'round and come back to that spot. Prepare!" (Solved by Wendy.)
3. "Don't stomp your little last-season Prada shoes at me, honey."
(Solved by Cat.)
4. "I'm going to ask you a straightforward question: Isn't it true that you have, perhaps unwillingly, acquired a certain habit through association with certain undesirable people?" (Solved by Veles.)
5. "Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up." (Solved by Wendy.)
6. "You didn't mean it. You never mean it. You didn't mean the time when you put up the bouquet with the 'get well' card in the funeral parlor, and sent the black lilies to that old lady in the hospital." (Solved by Deinos.)
7. "I've got culture coming out of my ass." (Solved by Veles.)
"Traditional Witches often put down Wiccans as 'Fluffy Bunnies' because they are generally more inclined to lighter, gentler practices, but Wicca is a tradition as valid as any passed on within a family for generations, and Gardner himself showed evidence of tapping the bone when he wrought his Wicca out of the pieces he was given by his initiators. Likewise, Wiccans often put down Traditional Witches as being dark, even demonic, when the truth is that we all come out of the darkness, and the point of balance is where there is greatest power and beauty."
-Peter Paddon
May all my Strifemongers have the opportunity to kiss his buttocks and sign his black book.
1. Devil's Advocate
2. Race with the Devil
3. The Devil Rides Out
4. The Devil Wears Prada
5. The Devil's Rain
6. Devil in a Blue Dress
7. Daredevil
Think of today's theme (which will become very obvious very quickly) as a belated "Happy Samhain" from Chick Publications.
1. He breaks the fourth wall to announce his favorite sin. (Solved by Christina.)
2. Why is a schoolbus out on a Sunday? The roadblock is a trap.
Texan Witches chase a recreational vehicle. (Solved by Brother Christopher.)
3. She has not yet been baptized into the Astronomical Society.
(Solved by Brian.)
4. The most expensively-costumed film in history. (Solved by Debra.)
5. ...and then the cast melts. The End. (Solved by Veles.)
6. "A man once told me that you step out of your door in the morning, and you are already in trouble. The only question is are you on top of that trouble or not?"
(Solved by Lisa.)
7. A blind lawyer from Hell's Kitchen. (Solved by Lisa.)
Ye Gods, but I need a massage. Seriously. The muscles in my upper back could deflect bullets right now, and the overall tension has started affecting my subconscious: Last night, I dreamt that I booked an appointment with a "licensed, professional" massage therapist, who instead turned out to be a creepy gynecologist. He made me submit to a series of x-rays, examined my back for a second, then berated me for asking to use the restroom and made me take out his garbage.
Repressed frustration or frustrated repression? You decide.
Several years ago, I was lucky enough to be a client of Greatest Massage Therapist of All Time (tm). Total teddy bear of a guy, Pagan, gay, could completely work this one knot out of my shoulder that most therapists can't even break into, just an absolute prince. In fact, here's a For Real picture of him:
I know, right? Sadly, he moved to New Orleans to be with his boyfriend and pursue his art career. Because true love and national recognition for one's creative endeavors are more important than my shoulder. Apparently.
After he left Houston, I spent many moons vetting new massage therapists, but I couldn't find one with whom I clicked. They couldn't quite get the crunchies out of my problem spots. Or they were crazy. Or they weren't crazy enough. One guy did a great job, but his studio was way the hell across town. Plus all the pot he smoked before sessions made him overly chatty, which did not particularly help me relax.
A few months back, I wandered into a chain massage company down the street from my apartment, and lo, finally met an adequate replacement therapist. Nice person, very intuitive, listened to my needs and adjusted his style accordingly. Sounds perfect, no? Um, no. A skilled and talented masseuse he may be, but... well, here's another picture:
Yeah. I should explain.
I was at the massage place, getting a nice, deep-tissue rubdown and teetering on the edge of consciousness, when my therapist went, "Hey, Evn?"
"Blurgh?" I responded, coming out of my coma. "What's up?"
"Can I ask you a question? I kind of need some advice."
"Sure..." I replied, still not quite awake but feeling a vague need for caution.
"Well, I recently met this girl, and I like her a lot. We've gone out a couple of times, and she seems to like me, too."
"Congratulations," I said.
We chatted about the girl for awhile, and I could tell that he really did like her, mainly because whenever he brought up one of her many favorable attributes, the pressure he was exerting on me went from "firm" to "interrogation technique." Eventually, he realized I wasn't yelping out of the sheer joy I felt now that he'd found a special someone. He apologized profusely and got back to his quandry.
"So, anyway, here's the thing. She used to go to church on a regular basis, but she feels like religion has... failed her. And I want to tell her about my religion and the church I attend, but I'm not sure how to bring it up."
"Okay... what religion are you?"
"Jehovah's Witness."
I thought for a moment. "I'd recommend letting her bring it up. When that happens, you can take the opportunity to share your beliefs with her."
He nodded. "Yeah, that's a good plan. Thanks! So, are you a religious person?"
Experience has taught me to tread carefully in these situations, so I mumbled something about being raised Episcopalian.
"And did the Episcopal Church... fail you?"
I don't think I've ever felt so naked in my life. Not just because I actually was naked (although that wasn't really a problem: I mean, hell, I'm Gardnerian), but because it was such a moment of helpless exposure. I was lying face down on a table, with this guy who could snap me in two towering over me, digging his fingers into my leg and gearing up to ask if I'm in the market for a new denomination. Awkward.
Oh, and by the bye, WTF is with the whole "... fail" thing? Does he have a freakin' script memorized?
I ended up telling him that the Church didn't fail me (it just fired me) as much as it wasn't the right place for me. I went on to say that I hold some deeply personal spiritual beliefs with which I'm extremely content. He caught my italics and didn't press further, and the session came to a close. Stress-free at last, I limped my way home.
And now I'm desperate for another massage. I've got an appointment booked this afternoon with a therapist I found through an online directory. His bio didn't mention a stance on organized religion, but regardless, I'm totally going to case his studio for the current edition of The Watchtower.
Vanquished in a timely, thematically-appropriate manner.
1. 48. Hrs.
2. Labyrinth
3. On The Beach
4. The Ring
5. Switching Channels
6. The Day After Tomorrow
7. Pitch Black
